I am one of the funny members of the Collective Bias® Social Fabric® Community. This post has been compensated as part of a series of #motherfunny posts for Collective Bias and Nick Mom.
When it comes to marriage there are a lot of compromises. On both sides. We compromise and accept the household to-do list… and our husbands compromise by letting us.
Then Christmas comes along, and that to-do list multiplies. Even more so at our house, because of the massive number of December birthdays in my husband’s family. An aunt on each side, a cousin, a close family friend who might as well be a relation, and both his mother and sister. My MIL and SIL have birthdays the week of Christmas – and my Mother in Law was born on Christmas Eve Day. Add to this my husband’s work schedule. He works in retail management, so his regular 50-hour workweek easily becomes 60 hours a week starting 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, and going right up to Christmas day.
This time of year, our division of labor looks something like this:
Pre-Thanksgiving Christmas schedule:
1. Decide what to give nieces/nephews on my side. Purchase, make, wrap, and give before mid-November.
2. Ask husband to write up his Holiday wish list.
3. Write my holiday wish list and wishlists for the kiddos
4. Try on old bridesmaid dress for pre-holiday family birthday party with “red carpet” theme. Decide it will look great if I lose 10 lbs.
5. Resolve to lose 10 lbs before the party.
6. Remind husband to write his wish list.
7. Start purchasing stocking stuffers.
8. Find place to hide stocking stuffers from nosy Kindergartener.
9. Remember it is almost Elf on the Shelf time. Check to make sure Elf is in off-season hiding spot.
10. Get e-mail from in-laws reminding me wishlists are due.
11. Pull up last year’s wish list, copy and paste husband’s portion. Delete anything he was given last year.
e-mail list to in-laws in the nick of time.
12. Decide hiding place for stocking stuffers will be discovered. Re-hide stocking stuffers.
13. Get new wish list from husband. Let in-laws know that previous list has been revised.
14. Ask husband to remind me to get the Elf up.
15. Ask husband what he wants to do about Christmas cards.
Post-Thanksgiving Christmas schedule:
16. Go through in-laws Christmas lists with husband. Find that two people did not send their lists.
17. Have husband text family for missing lists.
18. Select Christmas gift for MIL with husband.
19. Select Christmas gift for FIL. Discover that there is no remastered edition of the original Star Trek on Blu-ray.
20. Postpone selecting a Christmas gift for FIL.
21. Check out online toy lists with Hubs to select gifts for kiddos. Santa is generous this year.
22. Consider taking holiday photos.
23. Send e-mail to hub’s family re: missing lists.
24. Remember that Elf is supposed to be up, but is not. Concoct plan to get kids out of the room to put up elf as if she was always there.
25. Decide we are not taking holiday photos this year.
26. Look for Christmas cards that have not been sent for two years.
27. Discover Christmas cards. All envelopes are addressed and stamped. With Forever Stamps. Winning.
28. Start writing Christmas letter for Christmas cards in perfectly rhymed couplets.
29. Move front room furniture to make room for tree.
30. Discover floor in front room is disgusting. Mop/Vacuum.
31. Toddler comes to help. Finds an M&M under couch. Eats it.
32. Wonder about the dangers of eating a 6-month-old M&M.
33. Keep an eye on toddler for strange symptoms.
34. Floor is clean – now couches are noticeably covered in cat hair. Vacuum.
35. Decide that rhyming takes too long, start Christmas Letter over in standard letter format.
36. Get tree up. Only two ornaments broken. Instagram.
37. Move piles of papers from front room tables. Decorate tables.
38. Get holiday wish lists from remaining two family members.
39. Remember that hub’s family friend makes fun of me for writing Christmas letter in third person.
40. Revise Christmas letter to be in the first person. Read through twice to make sure I didn’t miss anything.
41. Send out invitations for Gingerbread house decorating party.
42. Present Christmas letter to husband for review. Get high praise in the form of “it’s fine.”
43. Sit down with husband to pick gifts for remaining family.
44. Remember we need to purchase Birthday gifts for MIL and SIL. Sit down with husband, go through lists again. Select gifts.
45. Go online to purchase selected gifts that can be purchased online.
46. Give up Sunday to brave the malls and stores to purchase gifts not available online. Instagram photos of long lines to commiserate with others.
47. Try to distract kids when boxes of items ordered online appear at the door. Curse retailers who leave CozyCoupe in original box and just slap on a label.
48. Decorate Banister. Instagram.
49. Search for the “perfect gift” to give hubby.
50. Make 28 gingerbread houses out of graham crackers for Kindergarten class to decorate.
51. Make 28 bags of icing for Kindergarten class. Run out of powdered sugar. Head to the store.
52. Curse my big mouth for volunteering to do gingerbread houses with Kindergarten class.
53. Decorate front-room windows with kids. Take appropriately candid-looking photos, and Instagram.
54. Trip over now-empty holiday decor boxes. Pile up semi-neatly. Ask husband to put away.
55. Shop for holiday clothes for kids and husband to wear to pre-holiday family birthday party with “red carpet” theme.
56. Bring graham cracker houses to school for decorating. Break 2. Hope two kids are sick today.
57. Ask husband to put holiday boxes away.
58. Prepare to print Holiday letter on cute Candy Cane/Christmas Tree/Gingerbread house stationary. Discover letter is too long. Adjust font, font size, margins… edit the letter for length.
59. Print Holiday letter.
60. Read through holiday letter as they are printing. Discover typo. Stop printing, throw away all printed copies. Fix typo and start over.
61. Ask husband to put holiday boxes away.
62. Sit down with kids to make holiday artwork for grandparents. Instagram.
63. Search online for hubby’s “perfect gift” find something that will do. Order it.
64. Bake a dozen+ sugar cookie houses from scratch. Put together in preparation for holiday party. Instagram.
65. Ask husband to put holiday boxes away.
66. Clean downstairs in preparation for holiday gingerbread-house decorating party. Decide to close baby gate and ban people from the upstairs so that they won’t see the mess.
67. Ask husband to put holiday boxes away.
68. Shove holiday boxes in the garage and out of the way.
69. Have Gingerbread decorating party. Take photos and Instagram. Blog about it.
70. Pour through blogs to decide on appropriate pot-luck dish for work Christmas Party.
71. Fold holiday letter and shove into envelopes with cards from 2 years ago. Resolve to get to the post office.
72. Bring Christmas cards to post office. Do a dance to celebrate first cards out in three years! Instagram. (the post office, not the dance).
73. Sit down with kiddos to make holiday ornaments. Instagram.
74. Clean up mess from holiday party while snacking on leftover candy. Remember resolution to lose 10 lbs. Put candy away.
75. Make dish for work Christmas Party Potluck. Fail. Throw in garbage.
76. Buy cookies at grocery store on way to work Christmas Party. Take out of packaging and put on Christmas plate while in car on the way.
77. Hem boys’ pants for pre-holiday birthday party. Instagram.
78. Remember we didn’t get gifts for aunts being honored at pre-holiday birthday party. Scramble to figure out, purchase, and wrap gifts.
79. Wrap gifts from online and shopping trips.
80. Remember that MIL and SIL birthday gifts are not allowed to be in Christmas paper. Search for Birthday Wrapping paper.
81. Find wedding and baby shower wrapping paper. At least it is not Christmas. Wrap gifts.
82. Put gifts in car to give to family at party to save on shipping costs.
83. Go to post office to send any remaining gifts. Bring jelly beans to entertain the kids. Curse long lines and insane postal prices. Instagram.
84. Go to pre-holiday birthday party. Drink, Eat, be merry.
85. Shop for holiday meals: Christmas Eve Dinner: Mexican. Christmas Breakfast: MonkeyBread. Christmas Dinner: All the fixin’s.
86. Find room in fridge for all the groceries.
87. Display Christmas cards as they come in. Ooh and Aah over cute family photos. Regret earlier decision not to take family Christmas photos.
88. Decide to use hand-wash-only wedding china for Christmas meals.
89. Make Christmas Eve dinner
90. Curse hand-wash-only wedding china. Wonder what would happen if they went in the dishwasher. Decide not to risk it. Hand wash dishes.
91. Find room in fridge for Christmas Eve dinner leftovers.
92. Wrangle kids through Christmas Eve Bath.
95. Put kids who snuck out of bed back into bed.
96. Wrap gifts for boys and husband.
97. Stuff stockings, put presents under the tree. Instagram.
98. Put Elf on Shelf back in off-season hiding spot.
99. Think of all the things that didn’t happen this year. Resolve to do better next year.
100. As the sun is coming up, fall asleep exhausted. Wake up moments later to shouts of excited children.
101. Update Facebook status: “Worth it.”
1. Write Christmas Wish List.
2. Ask wife if she remembered to get the elf up.
3. Read Christmas card letter. Tell wife it looks fine.
4. Move holiday boxes conveniently stacked in the garage onto garage shelves.
5. Shop for new suit for pre-holiday birthday party with “red carpet” theme.
6. Eat leftover gingerbread house pieces and candy. Be thankful for amazing metabolism.
7. Purchase gift for wife. Wrap. Put under tree.
If you need a little more holiday humor, check out Nick Jr. after the kids go to bed. Nick Jr. becomes Nick Mom at 10pm, and they have some great stand-up comedy from real moms who have lists (and lives) just like ours. You can also commiserate with Nick Mom on Facebook, and Nick Mom on Twitter.